There is none of that going on in my life right now. The only thing I have control over is how cute my outfit looks and that’s because I dressed myself this morning. But aren’t we all one car accident away from not even being able to do that? There was a 27 car pile up in Georgia yesterday. Damn.
Yes, I control some of my choices. I chose to quit my job and move to a state whose politics are reliably anti-progress and whose history includes lynchings (don’t they all though?). I chose this life. This life, however, is currently highlighting just how little control I have ever had over anything.
My grandad has moments where his entire body locks up and says, “You wanted to go this way? Ok. Cool. We got chu. SIKE! You ain’t goin nowhere mutha fucka. You can just stand here till I make you fall.”
That’s messed up.
This is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in a very long while.
I can’t control that’s he’s getting older and this will probably get worse. My first job out of high school was working for Arden Courts as a caregiver. It’s one thing to give care to a complete stranger. It’s another to care for your grandfather in a clinical way. And I’m not even the one doing most of the care giving! It’s hard just being here. I sat across the table and watched him eat yesterday. Tears fought their way to the front of my eyes. I wouldn’t let myself cry because it’s unnecessary and kinda rude. –I’m looking him in the face and crying at the state of his life. If someone did that to me I’d punch them in the throat. — I’m mourning the man I knew and not celebrating his life as it has become. He is still very funny and quite biting.
I cannot control my grandfather’s health. I cannot control my life or what happens to me. I can, however, control “my response to it.” I am learning a great deal by just changing how I respond.