Oy. My head hurts, and my lips are dry. My nose is stuffy, but that’s annoyingly usual. My shoulders are sore and I feel like there’s a cat litter box on my tongue. There’s a lot going on.
I went to the Zoo with Magoo aka Goober aka Goo, today. It was nice to be around her in this way. I was her only option for safety and she clung to me just as her parents said she would. We had to fake her out though. Before we left we pretended like Daddy had to go to work, Mommy had to leave, and Grandpa was going to the doctor. She said her goodbyes and everyone bolted to corners of the house, except for me. Heh Heh Heh. We walked down the block and she held my hand. A two-year old’s hand is really fucking small bee tee dubs.
We still have our issues, but it was a good day. We took the bus, which she loves, and she fell asleep. The little White girl and adult Black woman in public is an eye catching dynamic to say the least. There will probably be a post about that later. I carried her from the bus stop to the zoo and the wonderment commenced. That little lady fuckin loves animals. Like lost her shit with excitement and loves all animate objects not human.
I was nervous about spending the day with her because she cries as soon as I hold her. It’s kinda like I’m the plumber and she’s the drain. Her pores and ducts let loose when I’m around then I look like I’ve kidnapped a small child. Her grandpa joked that he was going to put out an Amber Alert as soon as I left the house, the bastard. I laughed, but was totally willing to chop him in the throat
We met up with my friends who were in town and their two kids. I go way back with those little munchkins. Like since before fertilization back. I almost delayed moving to Seattle so I could see the youngest be born. We’re close. Having the opportunity to hug and love on those little buggers filled up a part of me I didn’t know was empty. Hopefully I’ll get to hangout with them tomorrow.
I sat down with the intention to create a post about this fast I’m on. It’s the second day and I’m kinda feeling it as I mentioned in the first paragraph. Instead, I talked about the children in my life. Huh. Maybe I just needed to get that out. In my early twenties there came a point when I wanted children of my own. My biological clock stood in place of my heart and I felt like I would expire if I didn’t procreate. Being around my Friends With Kids (great movie) over the last 4 years has changed my mind. I love kids — not all of them by any means– but I’m not sure I want to expel any from my vaginal cavity.
My excitement comes from reading the course syllabus for my PhD program. My heart palpitates at the thought of traveling the world. I salivate thinking about sleeping in my car in the dead of winter while driving cross-country for the seventh time. When I think about dating or having children the part of my heart dedicated to dreams and passion shrinks like a flaccid penis. I’m not there anymore. My ADPKD is supposed to flare up when I’m about 37. Dialysis will begin shortly thereafter. It’s not wise for my body to endure dialysis and pregnancy separately let alone simultaneously. The longer I wait to have kids the more likely it will be that I shouldn’t.
Perhaps all of this is my body, my heart, and my mind reconciling that I’ll always be, “Auntie Jéhan.” If it’s not, and I feel that yearning again I have no qualms about adoption. 🙂