I am feeling exceptionally solemn today. That tends to happen after magnificent days and so I’ll take this one in stride. Had a client meeting that went well and spent the day doing for others in a way that frustrates me. I’ve been having problems with a friend as of late and their name no longer brings me the solace it did in the past. I used to think that this person would be in my life for the rest of it and that brought me peace. How does one, though, maintain oneself in the presence of another broken in unflattering pieces?
This woman I loved and — perhaps still do — is so different she’s unrecognizable in spirit and in action. I find myself reverting to childhood behaviors in her presence because I desperately want to make her happy. I want to do that which pleases her and when those actions go unnoticed I become unrecognizable to myself. I look for her approval in body composition, in the meeting of our eyes, in the acceptance of the gifts of my actions and yet receive nary a sign. We are different she and I and it is difficult to accept that. It is difficult to remember that I spent much of my life pleasing others and it is foreign to me to try and please myself.
That is the notion that’s eluded me thus far. My recent question of, “Why has this time originally dedicated to my grandfather and his final steps transformed me into this journeywoman as I stand now?” is beginning to make sense. The suffocation that drove me to Chicago is driving me still. I am suffocated by a life of codependency and need to wipe it out. Free my neck from the grasp of bruised hands other than my own. I am the one that makes my steps though they may be guided by another a Creator of souls. I am the one who determines the quality of my life. I choose. My steps may be ordered, but it is I who do the stepping.
If the rest of my life does not include those from my past I will be changed. Not better or worse, just different in the way I’m supposed to be.
- Solemn Journey (eidolondragon.wordpress.com)
- She’s quietDoesn’t say a wordBut beneath the solemn (lavenderlilacviolets.wordpress.com)