All the feelings.

I’m leaving to spend 29 days in the wilderness backpacking and whitewater canoeing. Seriously. I’m sitting at the airport waiting for my flight that boards in 15 minutes. So this post isn’t going to be fleshed out.

I decided I couldn’t leave without telling him I felt. After calling many friends and getting reassured that I was making the correct decision I worked up the nerve to chat with him. He was busy — because he was working– but I still told him I wanted to “touch base” before I left.

After way too many hours passed, he came to my yurt and we sat on my porch. By porch I mean wooden slat outside of my house. He was showered, unshaven, and adorable. We chatted… small talk.. which was unusual. Then we delved into real talk, which was not. 🙂 I finally said, “Do you think our paths will cross again?” He responded with, “yes… but I’m not sure how it will all end up.” Then he looked at me and asked me the same. I responded with “I don’t know, but I would like them to…” Then, with the finesse of an awkward teenager, he got up and said, “…well, gotta put the students to bed…”–it was 10 o’clock. It was indeed their bedtime, but right then? What?

As he walked away I literally said, “…what the shit?” He was never abrupt like that before.

I called my friends and they were like…wait, whuh?

I came to the conclusion that I scared him. I triggered something in him. It doesn’t erase how I feel about him. It just shows me that, as I assumed, their is more to him than meets the eye. Than meets the ear.

So… I laughed. Hard enough that tears came to my eyes and said, well that happened and went to bed. I wasn’t sad, I was just… I don’t know. But I wasn’t sad.

Around 1:30 in the morning I saw lights outside of my door. Heard voices and went to sit on my slat. I could see that a group was gathered around his car. He was searching inside for something. I heard one girl drunkenly ask another, are you really going for a ride on his motorcycle?

They giggled.

I fumed.

They returned whenever they did and I did whatever I did to try and hear what they were saying as they stood next to his car. [I know, I know.] Then I heard someone yell something drunk and left my home to investigate. I said, “…did y’all just hear that?” He said,”yeah.” I started to walk, barefoot, toward to sound wearing a camisole and no bra, my headscarf, and my shorts with no draws. I was in rare form, y’all. As he followed me, the girl followed him.

We joked that if this were a zombie apocalypse I’d shove him in front of me and run. I said, “…sorry I interrupted you before…with her.” He responded by touching my arm and saying, “You didn’t interrupt anything.” We reached the sound’s origin place and saw that the drunkard had moved on and all was well. After joking about how if this were actually the zombie apocalypse I’d be completely underdressed he walked me home and the girl went away.

He told me what happened even though I didn’t ask. He said a bunch of folks were gathered at the fire ring and he mentioned that he wanted to go for a ride to clear his head. She said she wanted to go. So he took her. He said, “I would have rather gone with you.” I met his eyes and touched his arm. My eyes went soft and he pulled me to him. We stood there for awhile.

Eventually, I went into my home to prepare for my flight. It was 3am and I had to leave in 45 minutes.

All of this teases all of the feelings to the surface. This is good for me. I need to explore these feelings in a safe place.

What I feel so far is that he is a safe place. That he is good for me.

No title, just a feeling

I have encountered a man with whom I am more than happy to fall in love. It’s more than that really. I think he’s someone I can’t avoid loving. If he truly is as he presents himself I’m unsure how anyone who meets him could avoid the same conclusion. He is kind and gentle, empathetic, light-hearted, adorable, handsome, genuine, playful…. he is the kind of human being I admire and respect.

He sees me.

From the first moment we met, he saw me. Not in the, “I acknowledge your presence in this room,” way, but the, “I recognize your humanity and it is vast,” way.

Within the first few minutes of meeting him I wanted to be around him. He arrived to the Branch late. I showed him around, sat with him as he ate his meal, listened to him as he shared pieces of his life, and sat quietly in his presence. We listened to his music as the minutes lived their lives. Eventually he went to his bed and I went to mine.

He is easy to love because he loves so freely. I don’t love him yet, but I will. I can feel it. He makes it easy for me to be vulnerable because it just feels like I’m being honest. He’s asked intimate questions and created the space for my honest answers by simply being there. We’ve shared our lives,verbally, in real ways… in ways that come naturally. When he’s not around I miss him. But not in the ways I’ve missed others before. Not the all-consuming jealous nagging feeling, but the lay in bed with my skin vibrating with the desire to have him close to me, feeling. I find myself wanting to make him happy. Seeking out and taking the opportunity to do things that will make him smile.

I’ve been rewarded with peace.

He allows me to reveal my kindness, my humanity without being afraid. I told him once, “I think you’re good for me.” He responded with, “I think you’re good for me, too.”

It feels good to feel safe. To be honest and not have to be careful. To give to someone who will receive and return by just being themselves. It feels good to be at this place.

Is love a choice

Something occurred to me today: Life is full of our choices.

In the past, I’ve always assumed that that statement meant choices like whether or not to go to college, the foods we eat, the place we call home, whether or not we adopt a dog…. Yes, those are choices. I don’t think I ever understood that life’s big events are also choices — Whether or not to have kids. Buying a house, or a piece of land, getting married are all choices,too.

Prior to this, I think those have always felt like things that happened to other people. I know of friends who never wanted kids, struggle at raising kids, and then choose to have more kids. My choices have always been along the lines of, “What do I have to do to survive? Where do I belong? What do I need? Am I becoming the person I want to be?”

Today I hung out with, for a short time, a guy I met a few weeks ago. He was on his way out of town so our time was limited. I could tell that we were attracted to one another. That’s new for me. I’m usually pretty oblivious. His demeanor is a bit reserved. He thinks I’m funny — which is nice– and he’s pretty emotionally transparent. As we were driving in the car on an errand I thought, “Wait a second, I could totally choose to date, fall in love with, and marry this person.” There was no “gut feeling” about it. It was simple.

I’m not saying that I’m going to do any of those things. I’m just sharing that I witnessed a moment. Love isn’t necessarily catalyzed by meet cutes, and hormones. Sometimes it’s meeting a nice person and choosing to be with them. That’s interesting to me. That’s a whole new way to look at love.

The person I mentioned that I was lusting after in my previous entry returns tomorrow. I haven’t seen him in a few weeks. I’m interested in how we are around one another. I wonder if this newest “choice” revelation will change things for me.