All the feelings.

I’m leaving to spend 29 days in the wilderness backpacking and whitewater canoeing. Seriously. I’m sitting at the airport waiting for my flight that boards in 15 minutes. So this post isn’t going to be fleshed out.

I decided I couldn’t leave without telling him I felt. After calling many friends and getting reassured that I was making the correct decision I worked up the nerve to chat with him. He was busy — because he was working– but I still told him I wanted to “touch base” before I left.

After way too many hours passed, he came to my yurt and we sat on my porch. By porch I mean wooden slat outside of my house. He was showered, unshaven, and adorable. We chatted… small talk.. which was unusual. Then we delved into real talk, which was not. šŸ™‚ I finally said, “Do you think our paths will cross again?” He responded with, “yes… but I’m not sure how it will all end up.” Then he looked at me and asked me the same. I responded with “I don’t know, but I would like them to…” Then, with the finesse of an awkward teenager, he got up and said, “…well, gotta put the students to bed…”–it was 10 o’clock. It was indeed their bedtime, but right then? What?

As he walked away I literally said, “…what the shit?” He was never abrupt like that before.

I called my friends and they were like…wait, whuh?

I came to the conclusion that I scared him. I triggered something in him. It doesn’t erase how I feel about him. It just shows me that, as I assumed, their is more to him than meets the eye. Than meets the ear.

So… I laughed. Hard enough that tears came to my eyes and said, well that happened and went to bed. I wasn’t sad, I was just… I don’t know. But I wasn’t sad.

Around 1:30 in the morning I saw lights outside of my door. Heard voices and went to sit on my slat. I could see that a group was gathered around his car. He was searching inside for something. I heard one girl drunkenly ask another, are you really going for a ride on his motorcycle?

They giggled.

I fumed.

They returned whenever they did and I did whatever I did to try and hear what they were saying as they stood next to his car. [I know, I know.] Then I heard someone yell something drunk and left my home to investigate. I said, “…did y’all just hear that?” He said,”yeah.” I started to walk, barefoot, toward to sound wearing a camisole and no bra, my headscarf, and my shorts with no draws. I was in rare form, y’all. As he followed me, the girl followed him.

We joked that if this were a zombie apocalypse I’d shove him in front of me and run. I said, “…sorry I interrupted you before…with her.” He responded by touching my arm and saying, “You didn’t interrupt anything.” We reached the sound’s origin place and saw that the drunkard had moved on and all was well. After joking about how if this were actually the zombie apocalypse I’d be completely underdressed he walked me home and the girl went away.

He told me what happened even though I didn’t ask. He said a bunch of folks were gathered at the fire ring and he mentioned that he wanted to go for a ride to clear his head. She said she wanted to go. So he took her. He said, “I would have rather gone with you.” I met his eyes and touched his arm. My eyes went soft and he pulled me to him. We stood there for awhile.

Eventually, I went into my home to prepare for my flight. It was 3am and I had to leave in 45 minutes.

All of this teases all of the feelings to the surface. This is good for me. I need to explore these feelings in a safe place.

What I feel so far is that he is a safe place. That he is good for me.

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