My relationship with my family was complicated in its existence. It is currently complicated in its absence.
I won’t get into it here because it’s too long, and honestly, you wouldn’t understand. I am posting this letter because I found it on my computer today and would like to share it. A little background. My brother and I didn’t grow up in the same house after I was 11 and he was 13 (14?). We hadn’t spoken often due to his hurtful and irresponsible actions. After a significant silence — which I broke to inform him of our grandmother’s illness and eventual passing– he asked to be apart of my life. After considerable coercion I said, “Yes, but this is your last chance.” Two months later he failed to communicate appropriately after telling me our other grandmother had health issues. I found out from someone else that in the two-week time period that he wasn’t returning my phone calls or texts she had died of a brain tumor.
It hurts to know him.
I sent him this, via text message, because he wouldn’t answer the phone and I didn’t have his email address. In spite of the message the letter conveys, he still followed me, creepily, on Instagram. Here is the letter grammatical errors and all:
“Our dilemma: I’m bored by you and the cyclical fashion of your behavior. I’m bored by my naivete and willingess to allow this to happen again, and again, and again.
If our relationship were a sitcom we would’ve been canceled long ago due to recycled plots, stagnant characters, and uninteresting conflicts. I am a little sister of two and so society says I am to embrace my nature and manifest certain behaviors in order to get attention read: pick and pick and nag and nag yearning for an emotional response.
Fortunately, due to experience and maturity, I out grew that phase. I don’t beg. It’s beneath me. If someone wants to be in my life they are welcome…until they aren’t. You are not. I once sent an email like this ma/joyce/your mother/all of it feels false but you know who I’m talking about.
She was so upset by the tone of the message that she didn’t understand the cause behind it. Each time you both hurt me I end up in a place that is so unhealthy it’s ridiculous. I set boundaries and still you hurt. I walk away and you beg me for permission to reenter my life.
I allow it and yet the behavior never changes. It’s like I’m related to robots. I would rather endure the pain of never hearing from, speaking to, or having to smell the putrid odor that accompanies your disappointing soul than to let you or anyone else that is related to you hurt me in that way again.
Please read this next part carefully: I never want to hear from you again. I don’t care if you are on your deathbed, if your sons need a transplant and I am the only match, if your mother’s kidney fails and her dying wish is to spit in my face: I don’t care.
I want nothing to do with you and anything or anyone that associates with you.
*insert my brother’s name here*, know this. I am serious. Don’t call me, or text me, or ask anyone else to do the same. I will change my phone number. I will get a restraining order. I swear to God I will take whatever legal action is necessary to get my point across. Don’t fuck with me. To dear Isaac and Eli. I feel badly for them because their lives lack the presence of an aunt who loves them dearly but has no access point. Their father, an untethered foundation, thinks that relationships are built and sustained by pixels and such submitted through the internet and over the phone. He thinks that is enough. He hopes that is enough. He believes that is enough. I know it is not enough and that knowledge grieves me. Oh the promise our relationships could manifest and yet they are left with naught.
This time I am hurt by me but not gravely as was common in my youth. It’s like an old relationship the drags me in. An ex I cannot shake. A pool of putrid piss in which I linger long after toddlers have gone to nap. I am silent in my hurt because I welcomed it near my being yet again knowing full well of the end. An ending which is always the same.
And so I write this to ask the following: for you to give me peace. Leave me be. Bother not myself, my spouse, or off-spring to which I may rear as my own. Should ailments reach you or yourn protect yourself from feigned response. I will care not and ask that you let that be. Allow this to that which greets every desire to contact me bring back to this note. This interesting diatribe. Should death befall, leave me alone. Should you hear of my misfortune, leave me alone. Should you hear of my bliss, leave me alone. Take your kin and return to your hovel. I care not for passage nor grace. I ask not for forgiveness. I ask for you to leave me be.“